Your New Hire Is Drowning, and You Gave Them a Checklist
The hum is the first thing you notice. A low, constant thrum from a server rack somewhere down the hall, the only sound in an office that feels more like a library for ghosts. Your laptop screen glows with a cheerful, yet infuriating, ‘Access Denied’ message. It’s day three. You have completed 12 hours of mandatory security training videos, a series of low-budget productions that felt like a hostage situation. You know, with absolute certainty, how to identify a phishing email from a Nigerian prince. You do not, however, know who to ask for the password to the main project folder.
Your manager, the one person whose name you reliably know, is on vacation. Her automated email reply informs you of this with a tone of digital glee, promising to respond upon her return in two weeks. You are an expensive asset, a carefully selected professional hired after 42 interviews, costing the company a sum with many zeroes. And right now, you are functionally indistinguishable from a decorative plant, only with more anxiety and a higher salary.
A Masterclass in Squandering Potential
This is the modern onboarding experience. A masterclass in squandering potential. Companies spend astronomical sums attracting talent-recruiter fees, signing bonuses, relocation packages easily totaling over $92,232 for a senior role-only to greet their new prize with a process that feels designed by someone who has never actually started a new job. They treat onboarding as






















































